By: Jamie Herman MSW, LGSW, LADC – Mental Health Therapist, Progress Valley Mental Health Clinic
The holiday season can stir up a wide range of emotions. For many, it brings reminders of what once was—traditions, relationships, or loved ones who are no longer here. Amid the hustle and bustle, the pressure to keep up with to‑do lists, attend every gathering, and show up for every family event can feel overwhelming.
Yet the holidays can also be an invitation to pause. Alongside moments of joy, this season often carries the weight of grief. It may be your first holiday with an empty seat at the table, your first season navigating two separate households, your first celebration while a loved one’s health is declining, or the first time attending a cherished event without your person, your child, or even a beloved pet. Whether your loss is recent or many years have passed, grief deserves to be met with tenderness, patience, and compassion.
What Is Grief?
Grief is, at its core, a natural reaction to loss. It can show up as sadness, numbness, confusion, or even physical pain. Every person’s experience of grief is uniquely their own, and despite common societal messages, there is no “right way” to grieve. It does not unfold in neat, predictable stages, nor does it follow a linear timeline.
For some, grief may feel brief and intermittent; for others, it becomes a lifelong companion that changes shape over time. It isn’t something to “get over,” but rather something we learn to move through and live alongside.
While our culture may offer only a few days of bereavement leave (i.e. the 3 days of leave offered for immediate family members), the emotional process of grieving cannot be contained within a long weekend. It requires time, space, and compassion—far more than we are often taught to do. Grief often ebbs and flows throughout the year, but many people find that its presence feels especially heightened during the holiday season.
“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
–Helen Keller
Moving Beyond the Five Stages of Grief
Kübler‑Ross’s well‑known model of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance offered an important early framework for understanding grief. However, updated grief research emphasizes that these stages were never meant to be a strict, linear roadmap—and they do not capture the full complexity of how people actually grieve. Instead of progressing through tidy stages, people often move back and forth between emotions, skip certain reactions entirely, or revisit them months or years later. There is no universal sequence, and there is absolutely no “right way” to grieve.
Modern perspectives also incorporate additional emotional and cognitive experiences beyond the original five stages, including:
- Shock — the initial sense of disbelief or numbness following a loss
- Yearning — an intense longing or desire to reconnect with the person or life that has been lost
- Disorganization — periods of confusion, difficulty concentrating, or feeling unanchored
- Reorganization — gradual adjustment, rebuilding routines, and finding a new sense of normal
These expanded understandings shift the focus from “completing stages” tocoping, adapting, and integrating loss into one’s life. Grief is now recognized as a moving process, shaped by personal history, culture, relationships, and the meaning of the loss itself. (Stroebe & Schut, 1999)
Uncommon Grief Experiences
Some forms of grief receive less recognition in our culture, even though they are deeply valid and often profoundly painful. These uncommon grief experiences fall outside what many people traditionally imagine when they think of loss, which can make them harder to acknowledge and even harder to support.
- Anticipatory grief — This form of grief occurs before an expected loss. It often arises when a loved one is facing a terminal illness or progressive condition. For example, a woman may begin mourning the gradual decline of her husband as he lives with dementia. (Doka, 2002)
- Delayed grief — Delayed grief appears when emotional reactions are postponed or suppressed, often because someone feels the need to “stay strong” or remain functional during a crisis. A common example is an individual who manages funeral arrangements with composure, only to experience an emotional crash weeks later when life becomes quieter—perhaps while preparing for holiday gatherings. (Worden, 2009)
- Disenfranchised grief — Coined by grief researcher Kenneth Doka, this type of grief occurs when a person’s loss is minimized, unrecognized, or invalidated by others. This can lead to profound loneliness and shame. For instance, someone grieving the death of a beloved dog may be told “it’s just a dog,” leaving them without the support they need. (Doka, 1989)
These forms of grief remind us that loss is not one‑size‑fits‑all. When grief doesn’t fit cultural expectations, people often suffer in silence—making recognition, validation, and compassion all the more important.
Positive Coping Skills for Grief During the Holidays
- Mindful pacing — Give yourself permission to slow down, decline invitations, or simplify traditions.
- Setting boundaries — Decide which events you can attend emotionally and which you cannot.
- Creating a “grief plan” — Identify potential triggers (songs, gatherings, dates) and plan supportive strategies ahead of time.
- Grounding techniques — Deep breathing, sensory grounding, or gentle stretching to help regulate overwhelming emotions.
- Journaling — Writing about memories, emotions, or holiday expectations can help process complex feelings.
- Connecting with supportive people — Spend time with those who allow you to show up authentically, without pressure to “be okay.”
- Engaging in restorative activities — Walks, warm baths, reading, crafting, or anything that brings comfort or calm.
- Limiting overstimulation — Reduce noise, crowds, or social media if they intensify grief.
- Practicing self‑compassion — Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would offer a grieving friend.
Ways to Honor and Remember Loved Ones During the Holidays
- Light a candle in their honor during a meal or quiet moment.
- Create a memory ornament with their photo, handwriting, or a meaningful symbol.
- Cook their favorite holiday dish or incorporate one of their recipes into your celebration.
- Set up a small remembrance space with photos, objects, or items that remind you of them.
- Share stories with family or friends—funny, tender, or meaningful memories.
- Donate or volunteer in their name to a cause they cared about.
- Write them a letter expressing what you miss, what has changed, or what you wish you could share.
- Play their favorite music or create a playlist inspired by them.
- Continue a tradition they loved or create a new one that reflects your relationship.
- Take a quiet moment outdoors—a walk, a sunrise, or a visit to a meaningful place—to feel connected to their memory.
There’s an old saying that “time heals all wounds,” but when it comes to grief, time doesn’t erase—it transforms. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule or fade neatly with the passing days. Instead, it shifts, softens, and resurfaces in unexpected ways.
This season, one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer yourself is permission to feel whatever arises. Whether it’s sorrow, joy, longing, or a mix of all three, your emotions deserve space and compassion.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
-Vicki Harrison
Closing Thoughts: Holding Space for What Matters
As the holidays unfold, remember that it’s okay to step away from expectations and create space for what your heart truly needs. Grief and love often coexist, weaving together memories of what was and hopes for what will be. You don’t have to “fix” your feelings or force joy—simply allow yourself to feel, to honor, and to breathe.
Healing is not about erasing pain; it’s about finding moments of peace within it. Whether that looks like lighting a candle, sharing a story, or quietly resting, give yourself permission to choose what feels right for you. In doing so, you honor both your loss and your resilience.
This season, may you find gentle ways to care for your spirit, connect with those who understand, and hold close the truth that grief is not a sign of weakness—it is a reflection of love.
Want extra support or want to dive more into your grief journey? Explore the Progress Valley Mental Health Clinic and use our Schedule Online option to book a consultation, assessment, or therapy appointment today.
